again/girls

Because they are absolutely adorable ❤

My 4 year old neices Ryann and Amayah.

again/Chels

In other news my best friend has moved to Kansas to support her boyfriend in law school and I am devastated. Don’t get me wrong I’m thrilled for her and the new adventure, but its kind of like she has taken apart of me with her. Since I’ve been 18 aside from Alicia, she has been my person. Distance wont change that, I was gone for a year last year and were still tight, its just a bit sad. I wish her all the best though and it gives me a reason to get out of California.

Again/Stolen

I’ve managed to steal some time and I’ve even located an actual laptop to conduct my work from, oh the sweet feel of using two hands to type.

So I’m just going to jump straight in and hopefully you can keep up, I’ll fill in the blanks as I go, or at least try to. So WordPress, I am in a polyamorous relationship. I have two girlfriends. Keirstin, the one from Ohio, I’ve blogged about her recently so you should be somewhat familiar. She’s moved to California, currently staying with me until she gets on her feet. Then there is Alicia, I have not actually blogged about her so much recently but if you’re brave enough to travel to my past (blogs) she’s in there quite often, we’ve been best friends for the past ten years.

(left) Keirstin (right) Alicia

This has been something I’ve wanted to try for quite sometime now. I’ve always known I was capable of loving more than one person at the same time, I’ve done it on multiple occasions. I just was never aware that it was okay, that there was a world out there that would accept it and I could live happily. In my last relationship, I tried to join the two, again with Alicia. My girlfriend at the time was not comfortable, so I continued to date her and suppressed my feelings for Alicia (you’ll notice a lot of the time Alicia has gotten the short end of the stick when its come to me, yet she still here, she still loves me, blows my mind every time I think about it). When the last relationship ended I decided 1. I needed to be single for a while, I needed to fall in love with me and 2. I wanted to live for me, I wanted to try the things I desired and I wouldn’t put anyones happiness before mine (in this circumstance).

I retuned home from AmeriCorps, Alicia and I were getting comfortable again, and then comes Keirstin. I never expected for her to happen never expected to develop feelings, for that relationship to grow, but love has a way of coming when you least expect it. I justified it because it was long distance, I didn’t consider it a relationship because we didn’t have physical contact. Even when she came and visited I still justified it, and I was honest with her; she knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship. All along I was still interacting with Alicia, as I said she’s is my best friend,  she knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship either so there was no pressure. As my feeling grew stronger for Keirstin, and her moving to California became a reality, the discussion of a relationship became prominent and before I knew it, I was committing to the future with her. Things started to take a turn, when she was visiting It became noticeable that although we talked on a daily basis and we have such a strong emotional connection, we had never spent more than 5 days together. There was still so much we didn’t know, didn’t understand about each other. I took a few steps back, I wanted to wait until she was here before going any further. It was rough, plans got messed up, she wasn’t coming and then she was and now she’s here. Of course were living together, feelings are going to be intensified. She was ready for a relationship while I wasn’t quite there yet, but I was ready to be with Alicia. So after a couple weeks and an interesting vegas trip (another post) I told her how I was feeling about Alicia and that I was at a point where I wanted to be in a relationship with Alicia, and she agreed to try under the condition that she gets to date Alicia as well. PLOT TWIST. But who was I to say no, when I was asking if I could date the both of them, so we all agreed to try and here we are now .. in a threeway relationship. Its been about a month and man has it been the longest month of my life.

I’m sorry I know that was a bit overload, but I figured I wouldn’t waist the time and I’d just walk you through it now.  I’ll stop here, let this be absorbed and I’ll post another updating the current status ..

I will say I am looking for ALL the input I could possibly get. I have no one to talk about this. Most of my friends don’t understand and they just shake it off as “oh it’s just Shardai” and I don’t know anyone else who has experienced the same thing. I’ve been reading books and doing research but its not quite the same. I need help, I need input, I need a sounding board.

Again/ >. <

It’s been far too long I know.. time is not as easy of a thing to come by as it once was. But soon I will have all that I need and this will be my first stop.

Nothing has ever frighten and excited me more than the possibilities of the future. A man told me this would be a year of great change, with not many days left of this year the next four months will be pivotal in upholding his message.. then again it all lies in the hands of the beholder (or something like that)

S Memo

S memo

Again/update

Before I dive head first in a world of my emotions, I’d  like to peak Into a few other areas of my life…

My girls are back in school now, it’s the youngest Breanna’s first year in high school. My oh my where has the time gone, these girls are growing up right before my eyes; twenty-three has never seemed so old. With the school year back in so begins the routine, I’m back to using the white board but with a few changes, it’s not something I wirte on any longer but now the girls write on it. So it’s not so much me telling them what to do but a reminder. We had a family meeting about incentives and consequences and it was good, everyone got to speak their part and set their standards, my dad is on the same level and I’m excited to start something new. Wish me luck, I’ll keep you posted !

So for the past few weeks I have been attending Bartending school! It’s been SO much fun and more challenging than you would expect. I already have a job. I am a bartender at a casino in my town, I just started this past week actually. It’s pretty intense considering I’m working graveyard hours, but I really enjoy it and right now it fits my schedual.

Again/remember

It’s been so long since I’ve last post. Things have just been piling up together I haven’t found the time, or should I say made the time. I can tell I haven’t been blogging in a while, I’m feeling quite unstable. Too much pint up inside and the kicker part is I couldn’t let it out if I tried. I can’t seem to process all of the things going through me… how does this happen, how do we let ourselves get so worked up. I take care of everyone and just about everything else but when it comes to me, I fail. I guess I’m lucky life doesn’t have a maximum amount of fails allowed.. (unless you die of course but we’re not counting that).