Archive for February, 2015

24
Feb
15

Again/trust

What’s the most important aspect in any kind of relationship?

Trust.

Trust is the premises for any relationship, trust allows communication, communication allows growth, growth ensures a future.

Before you can trust someone else, you have to trust yourself. It’s not a given, because in order to trust yourself you have to know and understand yourself and not many people do.

On the journey of self discovery I am constantly leaning new things about myself. With noone there to impress or pressure me I am able to evaluate the things I do and the motivation behind them. I wrote a post prior to this one just moments after having a break down. I won’t go into detail as to what caused the breakdown but I think it’s interesting that although I didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to someone, I came here. What does that say about me?

Well for starters, I was in a helpless situation, there was nothing I or anyone could do. I didn’t want reassurance that it would be okay because no one could guarantee that. I just wanted to feel the pain I was feeling. I wanted to accept it as it was. I could express myself here without someone feeling the need to fix me or fix whatever had upset me. I could just be. I understand that about myself. I trust that if im hurt enough that I need someone I’ll be strong enough to ask for help, I trust myself to know my limit.

23
Feb
15

again/pain

I sat in my car crying hysterically wondering who I could call to end the pain,  realizing there’s no one. No one that can stop the suffocating feeling that dreaded inside of me. I hurt, there is a pain deep with in that I can’t relieve..

14
Feb
15

again/valentines

Brace yourselves, you might fall in love but she’s already mine ♡

I wouldn’t normally share something so personal but I was so inspired by her thoughtfulness that I had to…

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13
Feb
15

Again /muse

Screenshot_2015-02-13-09-01-09-1    smemoseries.wordpress.com

13
Feb
15

again/welcome back

Do you remember the first time you got an A or B in a class or on an assignment? The gratification of knowing you did this the exact way it was supposed to be done and you did it well!

Do you remember the first time someone called you beautiful or what it felt like to be desired? To be consciously aware that you were someone’s fantasy; despite the bad hair days and the water weight and your articulate way of sarcastically pissing people off, someone wanted you. We get a sort of self fulfillment from succeeding at own standards. I’ve been in school (college) much longer than I should be; well community college that is.

I went to college because that’s what you were supposed to do, not because that’s what I really wanted to do. Then again fresh out of high school I thought I knew it all already, at least I knew who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. And college was just a side street I had to take to get there. I never took college seriously, didn’t apply any actual effort, in my mind C ‘s got degrees.  Given I was working 2-3 jobs and balancing an unhealthy relationship simultaneously,  but even then school was my last priority.

Nonetheless here I am years later and barely grasping the concept of education and the opportunity we have as Americans (or humans) to learn. So after taking last year off for Americorps, I’ve returned to school and with only a couple classes left to complete before I’m finally able to tracnsfer. I just finished my first semester back, it was a winter quater. So as opposed to a 16 week course it was jam packed into a six week course, talk about welcome back!

2015-02-13 09.27.17      I applied myself, I put forth time and effort and in the end I was rewarded; I I AM capable.

11
Feb
15

again/ohio

Smemoseries. WordPress.comIMG_20150123_111017

11
Feb
15

again/frustration

I never realized how much of a sexual person I was, until I wasn’t.