Late night shower

Whats wrong?

As thoughts fill my head.

Whats right as reality sets in?

I suppose that’s ungrateful.

First world problems as they say.

She took her phone into the bathroom

I suppose thats my own fault

Where is the trust I wonder?

Where is the loyalty she wonders?

Broken on both ends.

Both laying, neither lying.

Where is the trust,

Where is the loyalty

They both wonder.



I’m about 85% sure I am going to commit to a year of sobriety in 2018.

That means NO alcohol OR Marijuana.

I’m going to get asked WHY, a lot.

I’m not entirely sure why to be honest…

I have a dependency on them, when I’m upset or just want to escape the world or even in some aspect its become routine. I want to be able to make myself feel better without being under the influence.

I’ve been struggling with self worth A LOT lately and I’ve found that I prefer myself under the influence and I think most people do as well, I want to love myself sober and I want people to believe that sober me is the best version of me.

I have health and fitness goals that I’d really like to accomplish and my lack of control with drinking and smoking makes it really difficult.

I really admire Demi Lovato, and her living a sober life inspires me, gives me hope that I can find happiness in a clean state of mind.

So, thats basically why. I suppose a more short and sweet answer would be something along the lines of:

I’ve decided to commit to a year of sobriety to get a better understanding of myself. period.

Its going to be rough, I can already feel it. The peer pressure is going to be real, did I mention I bar tend for a living. I’m nervous that I will fail, that I’ll be to weak or I’ll break under pressure but I want to try, trying is all I can do right…





tis the season




Is it possible my secret weapon turned against me and now is my kryptonite. Words use to be what set me free, now it fees like pulling barred wire out of my throat, a bit dramatic I suppose, but understand what that means, how difficult it has become for me to communicate.

It sucks, it fucking sucks!

I’ve been blogging for almost a decade now, how could words fails me?

Whats supposed to set me free now?




“Caught in a tide,

gripping on to rocks

settled in the sand

they loosen

so does my grip

were no longer safe

floating in the tide

tossed from side to side

reaching for nothing to hold

we should have stayed on the shore.”




is it suicide if its my own silence that kills me?

Here a picture, because I cant seem to get any more words out…


Where did this girl go? When did she leave? Who is she now …



Its been a while, even now its a struggle, to just free my thoughts…

When did communicating become so difficult for me?

I often feel trapped inside myself. My mind is going constantly, its so loud its drowning and yet when I try to articulate a thought, its all of a sudden silent. Or maybe its so loud I don’t hear anything at all.



Round 3

They help, it helps, the drink, it does.

I know its not the safest or the smartest, but it helps.

I know I come from a family of functioning alcoholics and I shouldn’t but I do, I do much more than I do, I work, I breath, I’ve even contemplated a future with alcohol.

Maybe the one thing were supposed to run from, eventually becomes the thing we run too, always.



I was in the process of filling out a college app before I scurried away here to unleash. College just doesn’t sound appealing, maybe because I’ve been in college on and off for the past 7 years and don’t have much to show for it. Maybe because I don’t actually know what I want to do anymore; or maybe the finish line just seems to far away..

Do you remember the moment you started caring what people thought of you? I don’t but I feel like I woke up one morning and realized I did care, too much, that caring had been controlling my life for as long as I could remember.

Sometimes I wish I was born with instructions, that someone could just tell me what I’m supposed to be doing and how to do it.



2 in the afternoon

How do you know when you’re getting depressed?

I suppose you don’t know until its to late, until you are depressed I mean.

Its harder to get out of the bed lately, the kind of hard that doesn’t even allow your body to wake until after noon.

In a state of mind where I don’t even realize I haven’t eaten all day, and then the guilt makes me eat everything at once.

Its harder to pretend, Its harder to smile, to listen, to be .. to be here.

I ignore my own thoughts, tired of my brain constantly running. Fighting me, encouraging me to make a list to check things off one by one. I igonore the advice that tells me I am in control, I can change this at any moment.

I don’t know why I ignore the voice, honestly.

Does that mean I’m too far gone, too submerged in the “black cloud” to see or think clearly.

I’m going to see Andrew tomorrow after weeks. I’m nervous, because I want to be honest, mostly with myself, but sometimes I get clammed up, I put on a sane face to get me through so I don’t have to face my demons,

I suppose I can only hope that he sees through me, that he doesn’t let me hide from myself. An hour is only so much time ..

I want to write more, it used to be such an outlet. I edit so much in my head that before I even get to the keyboard I have nothing to say. I have to catch myself, in moments of .. rawness I suppose, when my guard is down and I can freely speak and think.

Like when its 2 in the afternoon on a wednesday and I’m already buzzed.

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