postsecret

The other friend

Something else has been bothering me, quite a few things actually but in regards to my last post and that situation. I mentioned that I’ve decided to work through my relationship but I’m not in a space where I am ready to work through my friendship. Its so much more than just girl code, it roots deeper than that. I have a problem, I’ve talked about it a few times though my blog history, Exs. They set off something inside of me, something more than insecurity and jealousy. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ve never been able to process them well. No matter what relationship, I always become obsessed with their ex. Its the closest I’ve come to ever hating anyone although it is not hate, its … distaste? In my recent situation, my best friend was also my parters ex(and mine), she was the other woman. While I saw her as MY friend, my past lover, I also saw her as the Ex, and as time progressed and our relationship dwindled and hers and my partners bloomed, it became hard for me to see her as my friend or MY ex. When she betrayed me, it became damn near impossible…

I feel bad, I feel bad because I am choosing to work through my relationship but not my friendship. I feel bad for HER because we’ve all gotten hurt in this, and while part of me will never look at her the same, part of me remembers that I once loved her too, she was once someone I trusted, confided in, open my home and my family too, she was once the center of my universe. But when I look at her now, it only feeds the crazy that already lives inside of me.. I don’t know how to move past that, I don’t know how to get to a space where we can rebuild our friendship.

Everything is so much more complicated than it seems… I didn’t know it then, but we were ruined before we even had a chance, because the moment she chose my other lover, she started loosing me.

I don’t want this ugliness inside of me, I don’t want this pain, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I want to attack my fears head on.. but all in due time I suppose.

Face the Mirror

I’ve been avoiding you WordPress, which in turn means I’ve been avoiding myself…

The last post I made, that day, that night changed my life forever.

My Partner cheated on me with my best friend.  I wish it wasn’t so but sadly its the truth. I’ve been debating whether I wanted to share it or not, but this is my safe spot a place for me to let me hair down, no filters so here I am.

Now if you’ve been bold enough to follow any of my love life you’ll know a few months ago I was in a polyamorous relationship, I decided the particular arrangement wasn’t for me. While I remained in one relationship and continued a friendship with the other, soon their paths crossed again and unfortunately it happened behind my back. An emotional relationship was formed and soon it turned into a physical relationship.

Deviated is an understatement, I was completely taken by surprise.. I’d accused them in the past, I had my assumptions and delusions but thats just what they were, delusions. Never in a million years did I actually think anything would happen, how naive I was.

Nonetheless, I have forgiven both parties as I have never been one to hold a grudge, and while I am choosing to work through my relationship I have taken a step back with my friendship. I’ve only got enough strength for one fight at a time and most days I barely have that.

It’s funny, you predict what you’d do in these situations, but you never know until you are in fact in that situation. I expected anger, hatred, revenge, but instead I’ve only felt anger at myself. I only questioned my actions and whether it was me who did this. It’s definitely changed something inside of me, I don’t look at myself the same way. Its like superman feeling pain for the first time, I know I am not invincible but if I’m being honest I don’t often experience rejection, and I have never felt more rejection than this experience. I’ve definitely learned from this, had I been honest with myself from the beginning perhaps these events would never have occurred. Going forward I have promised myself one thing, I will be honest with myself, always even when it hurts, because I expect other people to be honest with me, even when it hurts.