Posts Tagged ‘love

15
Nov
15

Face the Mirror

I’ve been avoiding you WordPress, which in turn means I’ve been avoiding myself…

The last post I made, that day, that night changed my life forever.

My Partner cheated on me with my best friend.  I wish it wasn’t so but sadly its the truth. I’ve been debating whether I wanted to share it or not, but this is my safe spot a place for me to let me hair down, no filters so here I am.

Now if you’ve been bold enough to follow any of my love life you’ll know a few months ago I was in a polyamorous relationship, I decided the particular arrangement wasn’t for me. While I remained in one relationship and continued a friendship with the other, soon their paths crossed again and unfortunately it happened behind my back. An emotional relationship was formed and soon it turned into a physical relationship.

Deviated is an understatement, I was completely taken by surprise.. I’d accused them in the past, I had my assumptions and delusions but thats just what they were, delusions. Never in a million years did I actually think anything would happen, how naive I was.

Nonetheless, I have forgiven both parties as I have never been one to hold a grudge, and while I am choosing to work through my relationship I have taken a step back with my friendship. I’ve only got enough strength for one fight at a time and most days I barely have that.

It’s funny, you predict what you’d do in these situations, but you never know until you are in fact in that situation. I expected anger, hatred, revenge, but instead I’ve only felt anger at myself. I only questioned my actions and whether it was me who did this. It’s definitely changed something inside of me, I don’t look at myself the same way. Its like superman feeling pain for the first time, I know I am not invincible but if I’m being honest I don’t often experience rejection, and I have never felt more rejection than this experience. I’ve definitely learned from this, had I been honest with myself from the beginning perhaps these events would never have occurred. Going forward I have promised myself one thing, I will be honest with myself, always even when it hurts, because I expect other people to be honest with me, even when it hurts.

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22
Oct
15

*sigh*


Have you ever been so in love that you wanted to scream it from the roof tops. So in love that you could feel it in each breath you took. So in love that the mere thought of life without them gave you anxiety. I am so in love that I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so consumed and controlled by these feelings and I embrace them. I Shardai Perry embrace not being in control, whoa. But it’s true, I feel like I’ve stepped over a ledge and I’m free falling and I’m not worried about where I’ll land I’m just enjoying the fall. This is the magic they talk about, this is the crazy that ruins lives. This is the kind of love that builds. This is real. I am in love with my best friend of 10 years, this is my person. They know me inside and out. The good the bad and the ugly, they’ve been there. They’ve seen growth, trials and tribulations. Every reason they needed to not date me they have and more, yet here we are loving one another. Honest, genuine, accepting, forgiving, patient, unconditional love. I am lost in her and I don’t want to be found…

05
Oct
15

Words.

I don’t want to acknowledge the years

that I’ve had you in my life.

I don’t want you to remember the months

that you’ve been by my side.

It’s not the weeks,

not the days,

or the hours

It’s the seconds that  hold all the power.

And not one goes by I don’t acknowledge your place in my life.

” Each kiss we exchange

I feel my soul slither from my lips to yours

my being transforms

And I become not I, but ours. “

01
Oct
15

Drowining

I want to feel you inside me.

I want the quickness of your hand striving to bring my body to the shakes.

I want your eyes peering into me as my head tilts back and my lips part and I struggle to find my breath.

I want your lips to my skin, smacking as you leave trails of kisses all over me, feeding on my brown sugar.

I want your hands to graze across my skin like a lion gracing a field for its prey.

I want your hands searching my body for a spot of weakness, showing no mercy as I cry out for you.

I want your tongue to find its way home, buried inside me turning tricks to reveal my pleasure.

I want my sweetness to cover your face and drip down your chin as you devour the savory taste.

I want the arch of my back and the depth of my moan to encourage you to bring me home.

I want the grasp of my hands clawing in your hair, the circular motion of my hips to force you to ride me to ecstacy.

When my doors close around you and my body retracts for a moment of air I want you to pull me back in and drown me…

drown me in your love, drown me in your.                         desire, drown me in your pleasure, drown.                       me in the pure awe, drown me with my.                           own breaths fighting to leave my mouth,                         drown me.

24
Sep
15

S E A T T L E

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09
Sep
15

My light

She.

31
Aug
15

Again/Stolen

I’ve managed to steal some time and I’ve even located an actual laptop to conduct my work from, oh the sweet feel of using two hands to type.

So I’m just going to jump straight in and hopefully you can keep up, I’ll fill in the blanks as I go, or at least try to. So WordPress, I am in a polyamorous relationship. I have two girlfriends. Keirstin, the one from Ohio, I’ve blogged about her recently so you should be somewhat familiar. She’s moved to California, currently staying with me until she gets on her feet. Then there is Alicia, I have not actually blogged about her so much recently but if you’re brave enough to travel to my past (blogs) she’s in there quite often, we’ve been best friends for the past ten years.

(left) Keirstin (right) Alicia

(left) Keirstin (right) Alicia

This has been something I’ve wanted to try for quite sometime now. I’ve always known I was capable of loving more than one person at the same time, I’ve done it on multiple occasions. I just was never aware that it was okay, that there was a world out there that would accept it and I could live happily. In my last relationship, I tried to join the two, again with Alicia. My girlfriend at the time was not comfortable, so I continued to date her and suppressed my feelings for Alicia (you’ll notice a lot of the time Alicia has gotten the short end of the stick when its come to me, yet she still here, she still loves me, blows my mind every time I think about it). When the last relationship ended I decided 1. I needed to be single for a while, I needed to fall in love with me and 2. I wanted to live for me, I wanted to try the things I desired and I wouldn’t put anyones happiness before mine (in this circumstance).

I retuned home from AmeriCorps, Alicia and I were getting comfortable again, and then comes Keirstin. I never expected for her to happen never expected to develop feelings, for that relationship to grow, but love has a way of coming when you least expect it. I justified it because it was long distance, I didn’t consider it a relationship because we didn’t have physical contact. Even when she came and visited I still justified it, and I was honest with her; she knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship. All along I was still interacting with Alicia, as I said she’s is my best friend,  she knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship either so there was no pressure. As my feeling grew stronger for Keirstin, and her moving to California became a reality, the discussion of a relationship became prominent and before I knew it, I was committing to the future with her. Things started to take a turn, when she was visiting It became noticeable that although we talked on a daily basis and we have such a strong emotional connection, we had never spent more than 5 days together. There was still so much we didn’t know, didn’t understand about each other. I took a few steps back, I wanted to wait until she was here before going any further. It was rough, plans got messed up, she wasn’t coming and then she was and now she’s here. Of course were living together, feelings are going to be intensified. She was ready for a relationship while I wasn’t quite there yet, but I was ready to be with Alicia. So after a couple weeks and an interesting vegas trip (another post) I told her how I was feeling about Alicia and that I was at a point where I wanted to be in a relationship with Alicia, and she agreed to try under the condition that she gets to date Alicia as well. PLOT TWIST. But who was I to say no, when I was asking if I could date the both of them, so we all agreed to try and here we are now .. in a threeway relationship. Its been about a month and man has it been the longest month of my life.

I’m sorry I know that was a bit overload, but I figured I wouldn’t waist the time and I’d just walk you through it now.  I’ll stop here, let this be absorbed and I’ll post another updating the current status ..

I will say I am looking for ALL the input I could possibly get. I have no one to talk about this. Most of my friends don’t understand and they just shake it off as “oh it’s just Shardai” and I don’t know anyone else who has experienced the same thing. I’ve been reading books and doing research but its not quite the same. I need help, I need input, I need a sounding board.