Archive for September, 2014

30
Sep
14

Again/let go

Fair warning this is gonna be a diary entry, just me, just a girl expressing her feelings, a broken record really…

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As you may have read, I’m still in the healing process of a break up. I recently encountered an article on Elephantjournal.com, which by the way if you haven’t visited I highly recommend,  and it talked about throwing the no contact rule out the window.

Interesting ….

I have been in about let’s say, 4 serious relationships, all lasting longer than 6 months, the longest a year and a half. Each of those exs with the exception of the latest, I’m still friends with, given at least 2 of them were my best friends prior to dating, but still. So when my latest ex and I decided we were going to cut off all contact (I’ll skip the details like the fact that when we first broken up we didn’t contact each other for about 2 months) I knew it was for the best, we wanted different things despite the fact that we loved each other. That’s why I agreed.  It’s not my norm, I’m friends with all of my exs as I’ve just shared. This was foreign and it drove me crazy. Telling someone not to think of something only makes them want to think about them even more.

I know it’s for the best, I know no good will come out of us being friends, yet not a day has gone by that she hasn’t crossed mind. I’m growing, being single is healthy and it’s what I need. I’m not in a place to be in a relationship,  I KNOW THIS,  but shoot me in the face,  I just can’t let this go, or at least it’s a lot harder than I imagined

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She only exist because I keep thinking about her. I’ve cut off all connection, I don’t see or hear anything about her, she only 3 exist because I keep thinking about her. Letting go is hard yes, but holding on is even harder.

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30
Sep
14

Again/ demi lovato

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29
Sep
14

Again/human

I was going to write this long post about how amazing Kathleen is and how she has had such a renown affect on my life. How she inspires me to be better and reminds me there’s good left in the world. I was going to, but I just couldn’t seem to find the arrangement of words to really capture how beautiful of a person she is. So instead, I’ll tell you one thing, you probably won’t get it, but that’s okay. If you cut her open, it would be the same as before you cut her.

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            You are poetry my friend, never be anyone’s line.

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28
Sep
14

Again/silence

Something happen tonight, it happened and I didn’t even realize it was happening.

I went to a dinner party with my team. 7 of us piled in one van and drove an hour into the forest to be served by a co-worker and of course, enjoy the view. This lady was very hospitable, the food was amazing and the environment was peacful. My team was in a good mood, the host was sharing stories and asking questions.

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From the moment we left our house at 5 until the moment we step foot back through the door around 10, I said maybe a combination of 25 words. I was silent the entire time through dinner and even the hour car ride back. Not because anything was wrong, not even intentionally. I was just silent…

I spoke in my head though, I responded and answered questions and even shared my own stories. This silence was different, it gave me a chance to hear something. To hear what I was saying, it was like being a fly on the wall watching myself interact in a group session. I began to question myself, every little remark I would make, I questioned why I was making it and what I wanted by it. I often found that the things I would have normally said or commented on, I wasn’t saying for me. It was mostly for attention or reassurance or because I knew that’s what someone else was thinking or I knew it would be funny to the crowd before me.

What a waste I kept thinking to myself. I waste my words, I waist my time, my breath and for what, sound? I speak, to speak and not to be heard,  because if I were truly speaking to be heard, I would say something worth listening too.

I felt bad for being so quite through out the dinner. I didn’t want to seem anti social or rude or worse, shy. But I just had nothing worthy of saying and I felt that was better than speaking useless words.

I was self aware and I didn’t even realize it. What it means to be self aware. To hear the things you say before you say them, to ensure that you’re actually saying things you mean and meaning the things you say.

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27
Sep
14

again/did you know ..

Pain is the only human process that is completely defined by the person experiencing it.

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27
Sep
14

Again/I love me

I love myself, because no amount of love from others is sufficient enough to fill the yearning that my soul requires from ME.

I love me even though I’m lonely right now. Even though I want nothing more than to run into the arms of the first person willing to open them for me. Even though I’m afraid that I’ll fail myself the way I’ve failed all my other relationships.

I love me …

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27
Sep
14

Again/rehab

They say going through a break up is like going to rehab.

Love is addicting. It literally causes endorphins that our body becomes addicted too. Seeing that person, is like taking a hit. Every touch, every kiss,  every interaction, is another hit. The breakup becomes a withdrawl, the pain the detox. It’s recommended the same way you go to rehab, the same way you conceal yourself until you’re strong enough to have your free will back, you  separate yourself from that person. You cut off all contact,  you get rid of all evidence, you stop stalking their social media, you strip their existence from your life.

But addictions have a way of finding our weak spots. Just like exs have a way of poping up. You either have a relapse or have enough strength built up to turn the other way. Sometimes you poison yourself though. You take a walk down an old street, you meet up with an old friend. You browse an exs social media …

I’m being vague … because I just need you to understand.  I’m going through a process,  I’m healing, letting go and moving on, detoxing, I’m in rehab. I’ve been sober so to speak for 2 weeks and 3 days. I broke that sobriety moments ago, but I wouldn’t call it a relapse. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, I don’t have the urge to do it again. I’m okay, really. But that scares me even more.. it scares me that I feel a little better than the last time I stumbled across their social media page and saw that my drug had a new subject. It scares me because it’s working,  I’m separating myself and it’s working and soon all I’ll have is me. I’ll have let her go without attaching on to someone else and I’m free, I’m alone, which is the end goal, it’s why I’m in rehab and not sweating it out in someone else’s bed. That’s scary … scarier than getting high and discovering addiction again.