Fail

Is it possible my secret weapon turned against me and now is my kryptonite. Words use to be what set me free, now it fees like pulling barred wire out of my throat, a bit dramatic I suppose, but understand what that means, how difficult it has become for me to communicate.

It sucks, it fucking sucks!

I’ve been blogging for almost a decade now, how could words fails me?

Whats supposed to set me free now?

 

Thursday

Its been a while, even now its a struggle, to just free my thoughts…

When did communicating become so difficult for me?

I often feel trapped inside myself. My mind is going constantly, its so loud its drowning and yet when I try to articulate a thought, its all of a sudden silent. Or maybe its so loud I don’t hear anything at all.

 

flashback

I was in the process of filling out a college app before I scurried away here to unleash. College just doesn’t sound appealing, maybe because I’ve been in college on and off for the past 7 years and don’t have much to show for it. Maybe because I don’t actually know what I want to do anymore; or maybe the finish line just seems to far away..

Do you remember the moment you started caring what people thought of you? I don’t but I feel like I woke up one morning and realized I did care, too much, that caring had been controlling my life for as long as I could remember.

Sometimes I wish I was born with instructions, that someone could just tell me what I’m supposed to be doing and how to do it.

 

Nov/Tuesday

Just when I think the world is about me, the universe reminds me its not.

We lost my aunt, unexpectedly, suddenly, and slowly…

Death brings about so much, evoking another person inside you, fighting reality and time seems to be a nuisance.

To swallow death is as to swallow your fist, where would one even begin?

I know one thing, I miss God. I miss Believing. I miss letting go…

How do you find meaning in life after death?

What should my book be about now? Now that everything seems so menace.

left but never Gone

Damagedmiracle.wordpress.com 

“I thought I could detach myself from you, but no matter where I am you will always be apart of me; I wouldn’t be me without you.”

Again/blue

Do you ever wake in a bad mood for no apparent reason? Have you ever had the realization that life is just endless repetition and no matter how hard you try to fight the routine, the social norm, you subconsciously know you’re going to succumb to the game of life in the end?

I’m feeling blue today. The scary kind of blue, the kind that keeps you trapped in bed with the lights and your phone shut off. I’m not suicidal, yet I just don’t feel like existing..

Again/Sketch

I’ve recently picked up sketching, just as a new hobby. Its taught me patience and I find it tobe quite relaxing, I’m no piccaso or anything but its something I enjoy and another part of me I thought I’d share.

a moment of satisfaction ..

DAY EIGHT

I remember very well the first time I felt satisfied with my life, and satisfied isn’t even the right word. This was the moment that I truly felt happy, that I knew I had something to look forward to in life, the first actual goal I set understanding what it meant to set a goal. It was my freshmen year in high school, I had just auditioned for my first school play, The Crucible. I didn’t even know if I had gotten a part yet, but I remember the rush I felt when I got off stage, I remember the excitement, the thrill. I knew that day that this had to be apart of my life, the stage was apart of me, it was satisfying to know at 14 what I wanted in life, even if it was only one aspect of my life.

Childhood Toy…

DAY SEVEN

My favorite childhood toy, hmm that’s an interesting one. The only toy I can recall playing with is my easy bake over OR my life-size Barbie doll, aside from those two I was very much a tomboy, the outside world was my favorite toy. Playing with the other kids in my complex, running around getting dirty, climbing in trash bins, yes that did happen, multiple times actually. My favorite outside game though, hands down was hide n seek. I know it’s a classic, but I loved it. I was always the smallest kid so I could fit in the craziest places. I remember once we were playing in my complex and I hid in the laundry room in one of the cabinets and I got stuck there, and it took quite a bit before they were able to find me. I still play hide n seek to this day, its become tradition in my house when my dad is gone overnight, which rarely happens, me and the girls play hide n seek in the dark throughout the house.

standing a a wopping 4ft tall, she was my best friend.

Virgo

DAY SIX:

The Virgo fits me all too well actually..

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac, to be exact, and that’s the way Virgo likes it: exacting. Those born under this sign are forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical (and they can be), but their ‘attention to detail’ is for a reason: to help others.

Pretty straightforward and to the point if you ask me, one more though:

Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something.