The other friend

Something else has been bothering me, quite a few things actually but in regards to my last post and that situation. I mentioned that I’ve decided to work through my relationship but I’m not in a space where I am ready to work through my friendship. Its so much more than just girl code, it roots deeper than that. I have a problem, I’ve talked about it a few times though my blog history, Exs. They set off something inside of me, something more than insecurity and jealousy. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ve never been able to process them well. No matter what relationship, I always become obsessed with their ex. Its the closest I’ve come to ever hating anyone although it is not hate, its … distaste? In my recent situation, my best friend was also my parters ex(and mine), she was the other woman. While I saw her as MY friend, my past lover, I also saw her as the Ex, and as time progressed and our relationship dwindled and hers and my partners bloomed, it became hard for me to see her as my friend or MY ex. When she betrayed me, it became damn near impossible…

I feel bad, I feel bad because I am choosing to work through my relationship but not my friendship. I feel bad for HER because we’ve all gotten hurt in this, and while part of me will never look at her the same, part of me remembers that I once loved her too, she was once someone I trusted, confided in, open my home and my family too, she was once the center of my universe. But when I look at her now, it only feeds the crazy that already lives inside of me.. I don’t know how to move past that, I don’t know how to get to a space where we can rebuild our friendship.

Everything is so much more complicated than it seems… I didn’t know it then, but we were ruined before we even had a chance, because the moment she chose my other lover, she started loosing me.

I don’t want this ugliness inside of me, I don’t want this pain, and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I want to attack my fears head on.. but all in due time I suppose.


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