Posts Tagged ‘journal

08
Nov
17

2 in the afternoon

How do you know when you’re getting depressed?

I suppose you don’t know until its to late, until you are depressed I mean.

Its harder to get out of the bed lately, the kind of hard that doesn’t even allow your body to wake until after noon.

In a state of mind where I don’t even realize I haven’t eaten all day, and then the guilt makes me eat everything at once.

Its harder to pretend, Its harder to smile, to listen, to be .. to be here.

I ignore my own thoughts, tired of my brain constantly running. Fighting me, encouraging me to make a list to check things off one by one. I igonore the advice that tells me I am in control, I can change this at any moment.

I don’t know why I ignore the voice, honestly.

Does that mean I’m too far gone, too submerged in the “black cloud” to see or think clearly.

I’m going to see Andrew tomorrow after weeks. I’m nervous, because I want to be honest, mostly with myself, but sometimes I get clammed up, I put on a sane face to get me through so I don’t have to face my demons,

I suppose I can only hope that he sees through me, that he doesn’t let me hide from myself. An hour is only so much time ..

I want to write more, it used to be such an outlet. I edit so much in my head that before I even get to the keyboard I have nothing to say. I have to catch myself, in moments of .. rawness I suppose, when my guard is down and I can freely speak and think.

Like when its 2 in the afternoon on a wednesday and I’m already buzzed.

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28
Oct
14

Again/anxiety

I feel the urge to apologize because my blog seems to be filled with emotion lately. Not the good kind, the kind that makes you want to turn the radio up. But it’s MY blog and if I can’t be free here, where else can I be?  

I had an anxiety attack today.

I won’t go into detail as to how it started, because it never stimulates from just one thing. It all came down to the fact that I felt like I was failing at loving myself. I laughed in the middle of my uncontrollable sobbing because I realized so many people love me. Some would even say I possess a talent that makes it easy to make someone fall in love with me. Yet I was having a hard time loving myself, the irony.

Looking at it from an outside perspective,  I saw this girl with unlimited potential (as everyone has),  who just wasn’t progressing; not because she wasn’t aware but because she was standing in her own way. She would yell and scream and kick and punch at her own reflection.

Why didn’t anyone tell me learning to love myself was going to be so hard? Why is it so easy to love someone who’s all wrong for you, yet so difficult to love yourself. I’m flabbergasted, because I always thought I did love myself. But then I stood as a third party and I watched myself on a day to day basis and I do things that don’t represent the person I want to be. That’s not love. I do things that aren’t in my best interest. That’s not love. I put priority over things insignificance in comparison to myself. That’s not love! Actions speak louder than words and my actions don’t prove that I love myself. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than that…

If I love other people the way I love myself I apologize because we both deserve so much better. Perhaps that’s why I’m single and all my other relationships have failed.

I miss home right now more than ever. I miss free, genuine, not expecting anything in return, love. I want to be held so bad I’m shaking. I need to feel that someone loves me because right now… I’m having a hard time making myself feel loved.

27
Sep
14

Again/rehab

They say going through a break up is like going to rehab.

Love is addicting. It literally causes endorphins that our body becomes addicted too. Seeing that person, is like taking a hit. Every touch, every kiss,  every interaction, is another hit. The breakup becomes a withdrawl, the pain the detox. It’s recommended the same way you go to rehab, the same way you conceal yourself until you’re strong enough to have your free will back, you  separate yourself from that person. You cut off all contact,  you get rid of all evidence, you stop stalking their social media, you strip their existence from your life.

But addictions have a way of finding our weak spots. Just like exs have a way of poping up. You either have a relapse or have enough strength built up to turn the other way. Sometimes you poison yourself though. You take a walk down an old street, you meet up with an old friend. You browse an exs social media …

I’m being vague … because I just need you to understand.  I’m going through a process,  I’m healing, letting go and moving on, detoxing, I’m in rehab. I’ve been sober so to speak for 2 weeks and 3 days. I broke that sobriety moments ago, but I wouldn’t call it a relapse. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, I don’t have the urge to do it again. I’m okay, really. But that scares me even more.. it scares me that I feel a little better than the last time I stumbled across their social media page and saw that my drug had a new subject. It scares me because it’s working,  I’m separating myself and it’s working and soon all I’ll have is me. I’ll have let her go without attaching on to someone else and I’m free, I’m alone, which is the end goal, it’s why I’m in rehab and not sweating it out in someone else’s bed. That’s scary … scarier than getting high and discovering addiction again.




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