I feel the urge to apologize because my blog seems to be filled with emotion lately. Not the good kind, the kind that makes you want to turn the radio up. But it’s MY blog and if I can’t be free here, where else can I be?  

I had an anxiety attack today.

I won’t go into detail as to how it started, because it never stimulates from just one thing. It all came down to the fact that I felt like I was failing at loving myself. I laughed in the middle of my uncontrollable sobbing because I realized so many people love me. Some would even say I possess a talent that makes it easy to make someone fall in love with me. Yet I was having a hard time loving myself, the irony.

Looking at it from an outside perspective,  I saw this girl with unlimited potential (as everyone has),  who just wasn’t progressing; not because she wasn’t aware but because she was standing in her own way. She would yell and scream and kick and punch at her own reflection.

Why didn’t anyone tell me learning to love myself was going to be so hard? Why is it so easy to love someone who’s all wrong for you, yet so difficult to love yourself. I’m flabbergasted, because I always thought I did love myself. But then I stood as a third party and I watched myself on a day to day basis and I do things that don’t represent the person I want to be. That’s not love. I do things that aren’t in my best interest. That’s not love. I put priority over things insignificance in comparison to myself. That’s not love! Actions speak louder than words and my actions don’t prove that I love myself. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than that…

If I love other people the way I love myself I apologize because we both deserve so much better. Perhaps that’s why I’m single and all my other relationships have failed.

I miss home right now more than ever. I miss free, genuine, not expecting anything in return, love. I want to be held so bad I’m shaking. I need to feel that someone loves me because right now… I’m having a hard time making myself feel loved.


3 Responses to “Again/anxiety”

  1. October 28, 2014 at 6:58 am

    They say, “How can you love someone else if you can’t even love yourself?”, for me it’s because I love everybody else that I just ran out of love for myself. At least, that’s my excuse. I hope you find the love you crave. It’s out there. Don’t give up.

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