26
Oct
14

Again/last night

I know I word vomited already last night but I have a confession…

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Decided to end the evening with a six pack and some team bonding. With a few minor bumps it was actually a really good night. One of those bumps being I made a comment to my team member that probably should of stayed in my head, even though I meant it. I have a tendency of doing that lately. I want to be supportive of expressing myself and being honest, but it’s conflicting because I care too. I suppose I just need to find a way to word things, which I’m usually good at. I guess alcohol has a rushed affect on my words.

The second bump, brace yourselves people. I texted Phoenix my ex, and instagram creeped. I KNOW I know, it violates the rules and at the end of the day only causes myself pain. Let me explain:

Me and two other teammates were outside until the wee hours of the morning listening to music, star gazing and talking. We were all kind of cuddled up as there was a cool breeze every now and then. It was obvious though that one of them only wanted to cuddle with the other (the other is not me incase you didn’t get that), it made me lonely. It made me miss intimacy. I wanted to be held, desired. I just didn’t want to feel alone. Which made me think of Phoenix.

I’ve come to the conclusion also that I often think of her so much because she was my last relationship, not so much her. When I find myself missing intamcy or something love wise, I think about her because she was my last reference. Why is this important?  Because it doesn’t mean I can’t let HER go, it means I can’t let the relationship go, relationships.

Anyway, so at some point I went in the house and left the other two outside. As I crept in bed I wondered if she was being intimate or had someone to be intimate with, so I went on her page. I didn’t really find anything but I do suspect there’s someone (not that that’s important). After, I texted her…

“You’ll always be the one that hot away”

Yes I said hot instead of got -_________- I don’t really know what prompted that one to be honest. I really don’t want to over analyze it. I hadn’t really had the thought that it was the relationship I craved and not her; so I’m sure last night I really did think she was the one that got away… and who knows, maybe she is.

So I think I’ll stick to blogging for my late night chats as opposed to actually expressing what I’m feeling and thinking. Seems safer doesn’t it?

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