28
Sep
14

Again/silence

Something happen tonight, it happened and I didn’t even realize it was happening.

I went to a dinner party with my team. 7 of us piled in one van and drove an hour into the forest to be served by a co-worker and of course, enjoy the view. This lady was very hospitable, the food was amazing and the environment was peacful. My team was in a good mood, the host was sharing stories and asking questions.

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From the moment we left our house at 5 until the moment we step foot back through the door around 10, I said maybe a combination of 25 words. I was silent the entire time through dinner and even the hour car ride back. Not because anything was wrong, not even intentionally. I was just silent…

I spoke in my head though, I responded and answered questions and even shared my own stories. This silence was different, it gave me a chance to hear something. To hear what I was saying, it was like being a fly on the wall watching myself interact in a group session. I began to question myself, every little remark I would make, I questioned why I was making it and what I wanted by it. I often found that the things I would have normally said or commented on, I wasn’t saying for me. It was mostly for attention or reassurance or because I knew that’s what someone else was thinking or I knew it would be funny to the crowd before me.

What a waste I kept thinking to myself. I waste my words, I waist my time, my breath and for what, sound? I speak, to speak and not to be heard,  because if I were truly speaking to be heard, I would say something worth listening too.

I felt bad for being so quite through out the dinner. I didn’t want to seem anti social or rude or worse, shy. But I just had nothing worthy of saying and I felt that was better than speaking useless words.

I was self aware and I didn’t even realize it. What it means to be self aware. To hear the things you say before you say them, to ensure that you’re actually saying things you mean and meaning the things you say.

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1 Response to “Again/silence”


  1. October 2, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Hey babygurl. I followed you here from booksiesilk.com. Sorry about your breakup. You are a very hot girl. If I were a few years younger, I’d take a run at you myself – Ima read your stuff though. Namaste.


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