05
Apr
10

Remember/Honestly

Why not keep it 100, everyone else seems to be.

I’m done, literally. I can’t do this anymore, and quite frankly I don’t want to.

(Ha, if you believed that previous line, then you don’t know me.)

 

I love Alex; God knows I do, literally. More than a best friend but not quite as a spouse. We have been through so much you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, but it’s all brought us here, to this spot, to this day, to this time. She’s my best friend first and always will be, she knows me like no one else knows me, partially because I let her and because she actually wants to, and puts on the work to show it. She makes me feel like an entirely different person, drives me to be better then I am, makes me want the world on the silver platter, but better than that, she makes me feel like I deserve all that and so much more.

 

Here’s the kicker part, she does all that as my best friend, not my girlfriend.

As my girlfriend, she scares me to death, every feeling that I feel is completely new and uncontrollable Fact: I don’t like to be helpless i.e. out of control, and she definitely gives me that feeling, but she also makes me feel safe and beautiful, oh so beautiful. I feel like with her by my side I can concur the world and nothing besides god can bring me down. She gives me the feeling I could only dream about, that you only see on TV.

My life would be perfect, our relationship would be perfect (given the few kinks were still working out) if she wasn’t still in love with her ex. Now calm down I now how that sounds, but its not exactly that way, ugh it’s quite complicated actually, the whole situation is very complicated. My worst fear is gabby is going to walk back in and Alex is going to chose her, and honestly I feel like I wouldn’t have any say so just because of the way everything went down, but at the same time I would, but knowing me I wouldn’t fight, not because I don’t care but because I know how it feels to be with someone who secretly wants someone else.

Alex tells me she’s a right now kind of gal and right now she wants me. Fine. But I’m not that kind of gal, I’m the kind of gal who thinks, over analyzes, and doesn’t like surprises.  Telling me that right now I’m enough for you is not okay, I want to always be enough for you, and you’re not giving the reassurance that I am.  No you can’t predict the future, no you can’t guarantee that I’ll always be what you want. But something has to change, I need to in someway, shape or form feel secure in your eyes, I don’t want to have to walk on egg shells abut my feeling because at any moment you can get a response to that text that says “sure we can talk”.

I can’t let go with you, I can’t allow my feeling to grow anymore, I can’t let myself fall for you, because I don’t know for sure that you love me and just me and I have nothing to worry about. That look is not going to be out of my eyes until I know that, and honestly I don’t know how you could even show me that, which is what scares me the most.

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