13
Aug
09

Hello/Girl

Dun Dun Duuuuuuun <— lol well its that time, the time I tell you the story of my first “girl”  –> (Gasp) <– Like you didn’t see it coming :p

And I must add this was inspired, someones a little sensitive so I figured I’d do this just for them, although I doubt they will ever read this.

Now bare with me as this is one going to be very long but as well its going to jump around a lot and not make sense at times, then again when do I.

So we can say it started Sophmore year as just an attraction, but really it wasn’t taken into consideration until senior year, maybe Junior. I’d pushed away most of the feelings, telling myself it was just a crush, it would never work, what am I thinking yada yada ya. Then my best friend came out to me during junior year <– already knew, but it was then (so it was junior year, my bad) that I started actually contemplateing the situation.

We had classes together, talked as friends, became a lot closer, even as she dated other girls and I helped her through relationships and what not. Now me being me, I am a natural flirt, and I discriminate to none, so we flirted, a Little, okay allot<– =] and that was it. But as the year went on (senior year by the way) we got a lot closer, started hanging out, <– this was during the time “the pack” was forming. But somewhere along this little randevue we made a detour because her sister started liking me, threw the whole thing way off, not to mention she was already in a relationship (ask me if I cared?)

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

So that whole dotted line was the me and her sister thing, so that covers that period, which I will not be going over, yet?

So at this time me and her were at a weird stage, she’d probably asked me out a couple times by now, but I’d turned her down <– will explain soon, calm down. I liked her of course, but the matter still was she was a female and as crazy as Shardai is I just could do that <– yet.

So she was going through relationship problems at the time, and then a nother girl enteredthe picture <– who later became apart of  “The Pack” and it was just confusing.

Give it about two weeks and everything was done, it was just me, she was done with the other girls <– so I thought, and now it was just me, my turn. man oh man did I drive her crazy, I wanted her, god knows I did –>(unfortunately).

She was amazing, first off she was in category all alone because she was a female and she managed to make me fall for her. She was charming and sweet and funny and attractive <– even with boobs –> (gasp). She was my friend as well and that helped allot, because I knew her. She was one of few who could instantly make me smile and till this day she still can.

Anyway, I struggled so much for a while with my identity and what this would mean, and of course my morals. That was the biggest thing, what would happen, how would this change my relationship with god. I was so scared, I cried I over thought this so much. But eventually I came to the point that if I didn’t do this, I wouldn’t be okay, I cant explain it but I just knew I had to do this for me.

So I went all out and beyond, I personally talked to all of my close friends and people that matter and told them the situation, I wasn’t gay, or bi, it was just HER, whether they could understand or not they knew. And then I did it, I asked her out <– :p It was may 22nd that morning grad night <– my first time at disney land by the way.

Lasted two days, then she broke up with me. <– Amazing right. Yeah lets just say our first kiss was, oh my not good? I cant even explain it, but lets go with neither one of us thought that’s what it would be like. Now I didn’t want to break up, but I wasn’t going to stay with her if she didn’t want to be with me, so it was over.

I was heartbroken? <– I put so much into just preparing myself, and then talking to everyone, I was just stunned. I felt so stupid and betrayed, yet I blamed my self <– now if you know me, you know when it comes to relationship I wear the pants, I do the heartbreaking. But I think I got so overwhelmed with the situation that I didn’t think.  Not to mention I dont think it was good place to start the relationship in the pack, just to many influences, and it just made it 10 times more difficult.

Not over yet =]

So some how some was were back at it again, we talked and talked and she asked me back out, I made her promise not to hurt me, we agreed we would try one month and see how we felt, and there it was, we were back together.

Lasted what, two weeks. <– Ha

So she did the breaking up with again, this time it was our “communication” <– amused me very much, because I got no warning, no ” lets talk babe” just a ” its not working for me”. <– Bull ish. This time there was no heart break I was pissed, furious. and to add to that, like a week later she was back with her ex, oh holy mary. Ever seen Shardai mad? not a good picture let me tell you, I was beyond angry, I was shaking, like are you kidding me. I don’t know what bugged me more the fact that it was her ex, who around  that time had just back stabbed her in the worse way, or because I still had feelings for her, but what ever it was, it was not good, not at all.

S owe went though some ish with that, and even after that. The story could go on but the rest is not important, it goes more into the pack and blah blah blah, which is a whole new blog.

Someone asked me, do I regret it?

Not even a little bit, it was an experience. and there was those moments where she would touch me, or put her arms around my waist and my heart would flutter and that was worth it believe it or not. She still gives me butterflies and makes me nervous, and she still pisses me off and makes me insane, shes one the closest people to me and always will be.

Well that’s pretty much it =]

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